FIerce-Love

The fact that we human beings exist at all is a miracle. Nowhere is the mystery of this miracle more present than at childbirth. These completely vulnerable, completely open, amazing manifestations of life staring into your soul without even really looking at you. Becoming a parent is life changing. As parents we are also, instinctively and quite naturally, drawn to protect this magical being that came from us. This is all part of the natural order of things. Where it gets interesting is determining what exactly the children need to be protected from, particularly as they move into adolescence and adulthood. There is also a ubiquitous pattern of attempting to use fear as a way to garner compliance. This is pretty straight forward with physical danger, such as the danger of running in the street or getting in a car with a stranger. The benefit of this model becomes way more ambiguous with ideas like if you are bad Santa Clause won’t bring presents, God wants you to be good or you will go to hell, and your sexuality is something to be feared.

The model is setup like this. If you are good then good things will happen to you. If you are bad then bad things will happen to you. If you think you are being good and bad things are happening to you then you must not be good enough and need to be better. Good and Bad is not merely determined by if you are doing something with love and compassion in your heart but by WHAT you are doing. If you having lots of sex, bad. If you are holding yourself to one person and being responsible TO them, good. Regardless of what is true for you.

This model is so ubiquitous that, to a person, by the time we are still in single digit ages we have all decided that we are flawed in some way. We then spend our lives attempting to fix these flaws. One of the key genres of this flaw fixing is in the realm of romantic relationships. This seeking to be whole gets coupled with one of the most bizarre superstitious stories of human kind. The story of THE ONE. Your soulmate, your life partner, your destiny. You are flawed and incomplete, however if you are good enough, and you look hard enough, you can find your one and only true partner and then you will be complete. You will know this because THEY will make you feel special. Special and unique because they are willing to show that you are special by choosing you and ONLY you. This story is so deeply ingrained that we run around seeking being special to someone else in what can only be described as addiction. This addiction takes the form of seeking the feeling of infatuation. There is a quite natural phenomenon of infatuation between human beings. Particularly when there is sexual chemistry. This phenomenon first shows up when our hormones kick in during adolescence and as a parent it is TERRIFYING. All we really care is that we can get them into adulthood without ending up emotionally scared, pregnant, violated, or diseased. What we do with this fear is reach for the story of THE ONE and talk endlessly about the dangers of sex and the difference between fucking and making love. This completely made up superstitious fairy tale is so complete that as instinctively protective parents we procreate this story regardless of our own experiences. We proclaim that when you find your one and only true person you will know it because that infatuation feeling will last for the rest of your life. Besides the basic problem that we cannot fix ourselves through another person the other fatal flaw to this story is that this infatuation is a temporary feeling. The infatuation stage always passes. The model is to leverage a really good infatuation stage into a life commitment. Defining responsibility as something that you do for someone else is a key element to crushing desire as childish and something to grow past. Settle down. Behave. In the heart of this entire fairy tale the requirement of sexual exclusivity as a condition is a given. We don’t have to look any further than how parents overwhelmingly answer their children when they ask the question “what is sex?” It starts with “when two people who really love each other…..” Regardless of how you feel about relationships and life this answer is a lie. This confusion and intertwining of sex and romantic relationships is a foundational element in the model just described.

This entire model is flawed. One part of this fatal flaw of design is that the infatuation stage ALWAYS passes. We can enter into these life time commitments with the best of intentions. The resignation, compromise, distractions, and sexual blandness are inevitable. We demonize non compliance and create self made traps. One way is to intertwine our money and assets and make the consequences prohibitive. The other is to create this illusion that we can emotionally hurt someone else by doing what is true for ourselves but breaks the rules. We then rationalize doing the “right” thing.

This is a very lonely hollow existence. I find it deeply ironic that any sort of sexual variety or freedom is demonized as lonely and meaningless when the over whelming paradigm is so lonely and compromising.

Freedom is possible. Feeling whole complete and perfect is possible. Intimacy beyond anything you have imagined is possible.

Fierce-Love is not taking responsibility for someone it is holding them to their own.

It is co-creating not codependence.

Fierce love does not give up your independence and freedom because someone has connected with you.

It does not give up contacts, friends, lovers, or passion to make it more convenient for someone else.

It not only does not insist that anyone we love does any of that, in fact, it deeply insists that they don’t.

It is not an experience of settling down, closing off, or hiding away.

It is bold, passionate, and daring. It pushes and expands.

With typical love the connection starts to become a closing circle. Fierce love pushes to explore and stay on the court of life.

It is inspiration to break out not a resting spot for years.

Fiercely loving pushes for more individuality not less.

It is strong and independent, not small and safe.

Typical love focuses on someone making things safe for me and how, exactly, they are going to show up for me in a way that keeps me feeling safe.

Typical love nurtures insecurities in the name of safety. This only makes these insecurities stronger.

Fierce love is not safe, it is not a cul-de-sac, it is in the stream of life. It is courageous and fearless. It is not focused on the form of the relationship, how much time is spent together, or if they are spending time with someone that is threatening to us. It only focuses on what is pushing growth.

Fierce love focuses on passion and living in the moment. Really, fully, living in now with wild abandon. It does not play small with a primary focus on jobs, furniture, and retirement. It does not give a flying fuck about who is going to be there when I am old. It does not make decisions from “aren’t you afraid of…”

Fierce love is not sexist or superstitious. It is not caught up in expectations or trivial matters like “till death do us” or monogamy. It only moves in what is in the higher path of our loved and does not factor in how that path effects how they show up for us.

It is CONSCIOUS.

It is a commitment to unconditional loving not form.

Fierce love does not ‘should’ all over itself. It is not concerned with “where are we going” It only knows right here, right now.

Everyone of us has an imprint. Something uniquely ours to offer the world. Fierce love is committed to finding that, growing that, and authentically expressing that above all else.

AND Perhaps the most important aspect of it all is that fierce love must start with, resonate from, and move outward from the literal relationship that you have with your self.

Fire requires air, fuel, and spark or it cannot exist. It is a process of physics.

Fierce love resonates from self love, is constantly taking risks, and is courageously authentically expressing itself in the moment and this too is merely a process of physics.

Fierce love does not vilify anyone. Ever. It owns responsibility within.

Let’s explore a falling in love with yourself exercise including playing hooky, dancing in the park, buying ice cream….The point is that other people trigger something in you….they are not the source of the infatuation feeling.

A vision I would like to offer is one free any of the structure of finding a one true mate. Just one vision of literally endless possibilities of visions. We have the availability of being open and real in every moment and every interaction. Making sure it is safe first is unnecessary. Limitations based on roles are made up. Finding our own source of loving acceptance inside and not seeking it outside completely changes the game. Discovering what we love and appreciate about our selves creates a natural path to finding what we love and appreciate about others. The shifts the focus from ‘what can I get from them’ to ‘what do I appreciate about them’ The power of this is also always found in the moment and not based on ‘where we are going’ Can you see the possibilities unfolding when you are free of ‘how do they fit my list’ and ‘what do they need to prove to me before I feel safe’ and instead are focused on ‘what do I love about this person’ and to do that with everyone you come in contact with? You may naturally spend more time with some people than others and the form of the relationship is not the relevant part. The connection and the mutual nurturing based on what is in the fullest vision of each person involved. Can you even get a glimpse of how profound a shift that is from the current way?

Even with the freedom of understanding it is not the only way and that there is nothing missing, you may find a natural expression with a primary ‘partner’ or ‘pair bond’.  The key is the focus. The conditioned response is an ‘us against the world’ closed loop  intention, seeking safety. It is a narrowing process.

Possibility, awareness, and freedom exists in the focus of I am wholly responsible for my own expansion and life and through looking at and sharing my spirit  I will support your higher spirit and authentic self. It is an expanding process of endless possibilities. NOT a narrowing one. It is NOT based on a predetermined outcome and form. It celebrates ANYTHING that is real for that person no matter how it seems it may effect me.

• “You want to join the peace corp and find your passion really being of service?”

• “You don’t want to feel a loss of exploration with the realities of a car, house, or student loan payments?”

• “You find that person super attractive and a big turn on?”

“Thank Thank Thank You for sharing, I feel closer to you knowing that. I love and support ALL of you!”

It is a reversal of the normal paradigm of keeping hard emotional things away from you and at the same time asking you to keep your world inside the box of my comfort.  It is about not being responsible for you or keeping things hard from you. (That is a portal of growth, if I want to keep that from you I want to keep you from growing.) AND I want to support ANYTHING that is real for you. My life, comfort, and desires are not the point and not something to hold you too. I support, love, and encourage you for you exactly the way you are right now. Not only does this create a portal of growth for us individually it is actually the pathway to authentic intimacy. That is the breakthrough, the shift, the opening of love and connection. If I am selfish enough to stay authentic no matter what and celebrate your space to do the same it is actually the process of loving, vulnerable, amazing intimacy.

A big part of this shift is in the where the internal focus on feelings resides. Ever since the mid 20th century when we started to communicate about feelings instead of stuffing we have primarily focused on our wounds.  We all have emotional scars and feelings of ‘less than’ from early childhood. It creates an unconscious life to merely ignore the core stuck feelings. It is also disempowering to wear them like a badge of honor or to attempt to overcome through action.  Empowerment and freedom are a process from focusing on our spirit in the moment and observing and accepting the hurt feelings.

In connecting with another the power resides in the process of focusing on the inspired self. “I hear and fully accept your emotional pain and I am focused on your inspired authentic expression however that manifests.” Celebrating the wholeness and uniqueness of your bright being I take in your hurt merely as information to what is standing in the way. I will use my favorite real world example of snowboarding in the trees as a metaphor.  In pursuit of powder snowboarding, a great place is off the plowed path and in the trees. If I blindfolded myself or simply ignored the trees as I attempted to blaze down the hill they would take me out in seconds. On the other hand if I focused solely on the trees and how many there were and the branches sticking out everywhere I would either continue to run into them or be so paralyzed I couldn’t ever really move. The key is accepting the trees exactly as they are and focusing on the space between the trees. Focus on the path through. Visualize the path and fall through the opening. This metaphor works also in that this process only works if you are present right here right now. Mental noise outside of the moment can get you messed up.

Having our focus on higher expression, inspired self, and celebration of uniqueness instead of all the ‘problems’ to ‘overcome’ quite noticeably shifts the experience of intimate connection.

Now that I have spent so much time pointing out fundamental structural process problems with the current framework of human intimacy let’s look at a key foundation of building a new paradigm. It is the distinction of attachment vs. acceptance.

Let’s start with attachment. Attachment is the pivotal process of the current system. Almost as soon as we connect with someone we like, we start planning entanglement. In fact the current superstition is that attachment IS the key to intimacy. Before I can open up to you I need to know you are safe, I need to know that you think I am special, I need to know how you are going to act and if you are going to be there for me. There is typically a key point in a relationship when you know the attachment is in place and that is when the focus shifts from when you are going to be together to when you are going to be apart. There is nothing intrinsically the matter with any of these items. The attachment stems from measuring how someone feels about me based on what they do in regards to these items. Such as: I will know you are safe because you will refrain from activities that trigger my insecurities. ( “My partner has been hurt before so I am going to honor them by not having any other intimate relationships, even if it means giving up close friendships I already have” “I am not going to look at other women” )

I will know you think I am special by the fact that I am the ONLY one you make special. The ONLY one you are this close to. I am the ONE and the ONLY. I know that you are going to be there for me by what you show me you are willing to sacrifice. You will give up things, even if they matter to you, for the good of our relationship. If something takes up too much time or is in some other way too inconvenient to us, I will let it go so that you know I am there for you. The underlying components to this aspect of attachment is that what you do means something about me. Another aspect of attachment is that form is king. The form of the relationship is primary and is key to intimacy. The form is how it looks: Living together, being married, financial entanglement, wether we are having sex or not, how much time we spend with each other. In the framework of attachment form dictates feelings. “I love you, till death do us part, unless you want to live somewhere away from me, or love someone else too, or not be married to me THEN I hate your guts and never want to see you again”

When we get into relationships based on attachment the focus seems to be “where are we going” Moving in, buying houses, getting real jobs….seeking intimacy ‘out there’

Let’s juxtapose that to acceptance.

Acceptance is embracing and celebrating someone for who they are, exactly and completely the way they are right now. It is the intention of having someone be more of who they are every day. Being in enthusiastic support of someone following their passion in each moment. No matter where that takes them or how. Loving from the place of acceptance does not come from a place of how it effects me. Instead of thinking about how someone is going to fit into my life and what it is going to bring me by being with them, it focuses on celebrating who they are and their vision for their life. It is being turned on by what turns them on. You cannot have acceptance for someone else if you don’t have acceptance for yourself so all this support for someone starts with supporting, celebrating, and accepting yourself. You cannot compromise your own passion and truth and uphold it for someone else. Acceptance is not driven by the form of the relationship it is driven by authentic communication. It is not focused on ‘commitment’ and ‘where are we going’. it is focused on full expression now. Acceptance is not looking to someone else for approval so it does not require anything from anyone for my happiness or to make it safe for me. Acceptance does not try to ‘hold on to what we have’ it is constant change. Acceptance is Love is Freedom and it only lives in the moment.

There is a prevalent story line of someone finding themselves after a bad relationship, long soul sucking marriage, or some big traumatic event. They take in that they are lost in their grief and they discover strengths and things that matter that they either forgot or didn’t ever know were there. Then as they start to move in empowerment they start drawing bright alive spirits to them. Then someone romantically compelling comes along and in the excitement of the feelings the recently discovered empowerment, which so far has all been an inside discovery, gets entangled with the feelings for that person. All of sudden this new love is evidence of god rewarding us for doing well. Then we start to look to that relationship as a gauge to our on-going progress. The SECOND we do this, the very second that we shift our focus to managing and growing how someone else shows up for us. The very second we become attached to how someone feels about us and what they are doing that will prove it. The very moment we move away from an inside barometer, it feels sideways in our gut. We then start rationalizing this lack of alignment and step by step, day by day, we start compromising who we are until we find our selves lost, resigned, and/or in grief. It happens over and over.

It is possible to deeply love and be intimate without losing ourselves. In fact it is only possible if we don’t lose ourselves. Acceptance of life, me, and everyone I love is the key. Attachment is the contrast to acceptance. Acceptance is love. Attachment is fear.

I am not saying that we cannot create a safe place for someone. Having loving support from others is strong element in our self esteem and growth. The two keys points to creating this in an authentic way are: 1) It does not take on responsibility for another person. 2) It is not based on the form. It does not have requirement for that person to show up in a certain way.

Showing a person unconditional, non judgmental, consistent, feedback and support will help build a safety zone. A metaphor for the distinction would be offering an oasis or truck stop on an individuals journey. NOT for it to be a final destination or the end of the individual part of the journey.

I cannot over emphasize the power of the need to feel special to someone. Because we don’t feel our own specialness from the inside we are passionately seeking it from the outside. From someone. It is also something that we are in persistent fear of losing (or never finding) The underlying dynamic is that we don’t really think we are special. We don’t feel worthy of the love we are seeking so we cannot possibly take it in from someone else. In the romantic feelings we often feel like we are finding what we are seeking and if it is not centered from within there will always be a fear of losing it. Of being discovered as the unloveable being that we are and be abandoned and hurt. Because that feeling of being in love always passes attempting to hold onto this becomes increasingly more work. The need to feel special to someone else is an addiction. Like all addictions it is an attempt to fill something on the inside with something on the outside. Because this cannot work we hold onto a feeling we had from that first ‘hit’ and we chase that feeling to all ends.

The key distinction is the focus of the source of the specialness. If we are seeking to free and express our own specialness from inside. If we are not seeking someone else as the source of this or to be responsible. With this grounding it can be powerful to have someone appreciate and support our authentic expression.

Life is a paradox. When we engage in relationships based on attachment we are always focused on what needs to change. Yet we create a structure that actively resists change. Ironically when breaking up the phrase “They are not the same person I fell in love with” is a common expression. It exposes the fallacy of the change focus. On the other other hand relationships based on acceptance are focused in celebrating exactly what is right now. It does not carry an intention or focus on change. Yet, acceptance is the key to change. A relationship based on acceptance is in a constant dance of change.

Attachment is based on attempting to fix insecurities by making things safe. This is actually an agreement to nurture insecurities and when something is nurtured it grows. So the insecurities get stronger not the other way around.

Acceptance does not put the value on safety or even comfort. Allowing my insecurities in, observing them, feeling them, accepting them for exactly the way they are is the process of disempowering their influence on my life.

Attachment is focused on actions. In a relationship this is a primary focus on what my partner is doing and it how relates to me. Everything they do is met with the question “What does this mean about me?” If they want to get close to someone else then it means I am not enough. How much time they will spend with me and how much they are willing to compromise for me is the gauge for how worthwhile I am. The over-arching message is “If you do certain things than I can be more”

Acceptance is focused on being. What is my state of being? What are my feelings? What does this show me about myself? By holding my own circle of awareness and responsibility I discover that being drives my doing not the other way around. My actions are an expression of who I am being in each and every moment. My actions can be observed and learned from and the primary focus is on being not doing. Needless to say then the focus most certainly is not what someone else is doing.

Let’s explore a falling in love with yourself exercise including playing hooky, dancing in the park, buying ice cream….The point is that other people trigger something in you….they are not the source of the infatuation feeling.

A vision I would like to offer is one free any of the structure of finding a one true mate. Just one vision of literally endless possibilities of visions. We have the availability of being open and real in every moment and every interaction. Making sure it is safe first is unnecessary. Limitations based on roles are made up. Finding our own source of loving acceptance inside and not seeking it outside completely changes the game. Discovering what we love and appreciate about our selves creates a natural path to finding what we love and appreciate about others. The shifts the focus from ‘what can I get from them’ to ‘what do I appreciate about them’ The power of this is also always found in the moment and not based on ‘where we are going’ Can you see the possibilities unfolding when you are free of ‘how do they fit my list’ and ‘what do they need to prove to me before I feel safe’ and instead are focused on ‘what do I love about this person’ and to do that with everyone you come in contact with? You may naturally spend more time with some people than others and the form of the relationship is not the relevant part. The connection and the mutual nurturing based on what is in the fullest vision of each person involved. Can you even get a glimpse of how profound a shift that is from the current way?

Even with the freedom of understanding it is not the only way and that there is nothing missing, you may find a natural expression with a primary ‘partner’ or ‘pair bond’.  The key is the focus. The conditioned response is an ‘us against the world’ closed loop  intention, seeking safety. It is a narrowing process.

Possibility, awareness, and freedom exists in the focus of I am wholly responsible for my own expansion and life and through looking at and sharing my spirit  I will support your higher spirit and authentic self. It is an expanding process of endless possibilities. NOT a narrowing one. It is NOT based on a predetermined outcome and form. It celebrates ANYTHING that is real for that person no matter how it seems it may effect me.

• “You want to join the peace corp and find your passion really being of service?”

• “You don’t want to feel a loss of exploration with the realities of a car, house, or student loan payments?”

• “You find that person super attractive and a big turn on?”

“Thank Thank Thank You for sharing, I feel closer to you knowing that. I love and support ALL of you!”

It is a reversal of the normal paradigm of keeping hard emotional things away from you and at the same time asking you to keep your world inside the box of my comfort.  It is about not being responsible for you or keeping things hard from you. (That is a portal of growth, if I want to keep that from you I want to keep you from growing.) AND I want to support ANYTHING that is real for you. My life, comfort, and desires are not the point and not something to hold you too. I support, love, and encourage you for you exactly the way you are right now. Not only does this create a portal of growth for us individually it is actually the pathway to authentic intimacy. That is the breakthrough, the shift, the opening of love and connection. If I am selfish enough to stay authentic no matter what and celebrate your space to do the same it is actually the process of loving, vulnerable, amazing intimacy.

A big part of this shift is in the where the internal focus on feelings resides. Ever since the mid 20th century when we started to communicate about feelings instead of stuffing we have primarily focused on our wounds.  We all have emotional scars and feelings of ‘less than’ from early childhood. It creates an unconscious life to merely ignore the core stuck feelings. It is also disempowering to wear them like a badge of honor or to attempt to overcome through action.  Empowerment and freedom are a process from focusing on our spirit in the moment and observing and accepting the hurt feelings.

In connecting with another the power resides in the process of focusing on the inspired self. “I hear and fully accept your emotional pain and I am focused on your inspired authentic expression however that manifests.” Celebrating the wholeness and uniqueness of your bright being I take in your hurt merely as information to what is standing in the way. I will use my favorite real world example of snowboarding in the trees as a metaphor.  In pursuit of powder snowboarding, a great place is off the plowed path and in the trees. If I blindfolded myself or simply ignored the trees as I attempted to blaze down the hill they would take me out in seconds. On the other hand if I focused solely on the trees and how many there were and the branches sticking out everywhere I would either continue to run into them or be so paralyzed I couldn’t ever really move. The key is accepting the trees exactly as they are and focusing on the space between the trees. Focus on the path through. Visualize the path and fall through the opening. This metaphor works also in that this process only works if you are present right here right now. Mental noise outside of the moment can get you messed up.

Having our focus on higher expression, inspired self, and celebration of uniqueness instead of all the ‘problems’ to ‘overcome’ quite noticeably shifts the experience of intimate connection.